You’re Pregnant, You’re Pregnant
As I sat in the dentist chair on the afternoon of December 17th, 2018, the words “you’re pregnant, you’re pregnant” silently flowed through my mind like a mantra, drowning out the eerie sounds of drills and electric toothbrushes. Even though it wasn’t expected nor tried for nor planned, I knew my body and I knew I was pregnant before the test confirmed my intuition.
There was a CVS across the street from my dentist’s office, I immediately went and purchased the First Response kit after my appointment and drove straight home. Alex suggested that I wait a few days to take a test, my period was only a day late. But, I knew I was pregnant...It had been over a decade since I had taken a pregnancy test - truthfully, it was the first time I ever really thought that I was pregnant.
At the time, I was applying to go back to graduate school. I visualized myself starting a new school that summer - having a baby was not even close to being on my radar. When the test came back positive, I experienced every single emotion that I have ever known:
First, I was excited - holy shit, I had a baby inside of me! Then, fear sank in. Guilt followed the fear - I felt guilty that I was scared. It was impossible for me to do anything the rest of that day. I could not believe that there was a little tiny baby inside of my belly!!!
A few minutes after we absorbed the positive test results, we called my doctor and I scheduled a visit for the very next day. The test at her office reconfirmed the results of my at-home test. And, since we conceived Sloan in Bali, our doctor encouraged us to get tested for the Zika virus ASAP.
My First (Very Anxious) Trimester
I experienced a lot of anxiety my first trimester. The moment I found out I was pregnant, I wanted that baby with every cell of my being and I became unhealthily obsessed with the fear of having a miscarriage. It helped a little bit to learn that we were 100% Zika-free, but in spite of knowing that Zika was not an issue, I still worried about everything.
I did a lot of unnecessary (and unsuggested) google research that first few weeks and I learned about missed miscarriages - I was terrified. I was so terrified that I convinced an OB to give me an early viability screening, even though I was not a strong candidate for one. On January 4th, 2019, it was confirmed, our baby’s heart was beating strong.
That confirmation helped, but the combination of the extreme fatigue and nausea I experienced throughout the entirety of my first trimester had me discombobulated for weeks. No matter how much I slept, I was unbelievably exhausted every day. I would often wake up at 8AM and need a nap again by 10AM. For weeks, the only things that sounded appetizing were carbs and cheese. I literally could not stomach a vegetable. And, after an intense love affair with coffee, that became the one thing that I completely abhorred throughout my entire pregnancy.
My Second Trimester
Throughout my second trimester, I led a Yoga Teacher Training at Trilogy Sanctuary. It was such a special experience that I deeply treasure -- my baby girl soaked up so much positivity and deep spiritual work while she was in the womb. My body began a complete physical metamorphosis during that time and the growing pains were real. Rob, my co-lead, was an absolute Earth Angel -- he would often return from lunch early to give my achy body some reiki before we finished the afternoon. I am still in awe of the fact that Sloan sat in circle 3x a week and heard the reverberations of our chants and all of the powerful instruments Rob played for our group.
After I was reassured that all was well with Sloan at our 20 Week scan, I was able to relax into my pregnancy a lot more. At that point, I actually started to enjoy it. I knew Sloan was a girl from day one - having that confirmed gave my intuition a bit of an “ego” boost.
At the 20 week mark, I began reading all of the natural birth literature I could absorb. Not only did I visualize and prepare for the natural birth I planned to have, I planned for the perfect 40 day postpartum period, too. I told myself that I was going to do it “right”.
My emotional, mental, and physical health vastly improved when I began to feel a bit more like “myself” again around week 14. And, the fear I experienced for 10 or so weeks greatly subsided once I entered the second trimester and began to regain some of my strength.
The Universal Timing of My Pregnancy
To backtrack a bit, even though it wasn’t planned, I feel as if the Universe started to align my life for Sloan’s arrival a few months before she was conceived. In August of 2018, I learned that the company I was working for was being sold. I was given the option to be laid-off with a severance or to re-apply for a position at the new company. I took the severance and the much needed time off.
Typically, I would have rushed and scrambled to find my next “thing”. Instead, I listened to my intuition and my heart and I took a hard pause. After speaking with Alex, we both agreed that I would lead the first Yoga Teacher Training I was hosting at Trilogy from September to November (2018). Then, I would decide what my best next step would be when we returned from Bali in early December. My life went from over-scheduled to relatively free.
As my schedule slowed, I wrote an article on my website, Move Into Truth: A Call to ‘Be’ From an Innate Energy. In September of 2018, two months before I conceived Sloan, I wrote:
“And, that is what the innate energy so intense that it’s almost unbearable is asking of me - it’s not asking me to “do” anything, it’s urging me to change my way of being.
That energy is asking me to be wild, to flow, to practice intimacy, to love, to be love(d). It’s asking me to receive, to move with ease, to radiate from the inside out. It wants me to seek beauty in all things, to spend time in nature, and to embrace my sensuality.
It’s asking me to wait to start something new or to embark on my next project until I can first come home to myself. It wants me to be grounded in my truth: the fact that I am 100% whole and complete exactly as I am and that my divine state is love, flow, and sacredness.”
More or less, I was learning to lean into my feminine energy and that practice is what has enabled me to embrace this chapter of my life - motherhood - with greater ease. Prior to September 2018, my life was chaos of my own making. I often scheduled myself to be somewhere 7 days a week and I often booked myself 12+ hours a day. I truly believe that had I not consciously slowed down last Fall, my pregnancy and my fourth trimester would not have flowed as naturally.
My Third Trimester
The Yoga Teacher Training I led during my second trimester ended the week before my third. Aside from a couple of short trips to San Francisco, Chicago, and Malibu, I spent a majority of my time during the last weeks of my pregnancy relaxing at home. For the most part, my schedule consisted of weekly acupuncture sessions and daily walks, I did not keep many other commitments on my calendar. With all of that down time, I prepped for my beautiful, natural birth and for my cocooned 40 Day period after Sloan’s arrival.
How I Envisioned My Labor
I saw myself laboring at home right up until the last moment, arriving at the UCSD birth center right before I would need to start pushing. I envisioned a labor free of interventions - in a quiet, peaceful, dimly lit room. I saw myself using all of the hypnosis techniques I learned during my Hypnobabies classes. I thought it would just be me, Alex, Jennie (my doula), a midwife, and a nurse present in the room as I self-directed my pushing. I saw myself staring at the crystals I would bring from home and consciously going inside of myself to spiritually welcome the soul of my baby girl from the ether into my body, then into the World.
I envisioned us staying in the hospital for the shortest amount of time after she arrived. Upon returning home, I saw us gently relaxing for the first 40 days. I thought I would only eat warm, organic, sustainability cultivated foods. I also thought that we would be completely enveloped in my spiritual practices of breath work and meditation. A complete postpartum utopia.
Here is the Real Story
By week 38, I was getting pretty anxious to meet my baby girl. My 40 week appointment fell exactly on my due date. At that appointment, my midwife asked me if I wanted to have my membranes swept. We asked her to leave the room for a bit so Alex and I could deliberate alone - I had not considered that option before she presented it to us. After looking it up on Evidence Based Birthing and sitting with the idea, we decided to go for it. She told us it would either 1) kick start my labor that day, 2) I would experience contractions that would not start my labor, or 3) nothing at all would come from the intervention.
It’s important to note the term intevertion, because that is what it was. In hindsight, I wish I wouldn’t have had my membrane swept because I wanted my birthing time to be as natural as possible - I decided to do it that day because I was so ready to meet my baby girl.
At the appointment, she performed a cervical check - the only check I had my entire pregnancy. Prior to going to that appointment, I had decided and listed on my Birth Preferences that I did not want to know my dilation or effacement until I was fully dilated.. However, that afternoon, I decided I wanted to know if I had made some progress and I let Alex know I would go back to my original plan once we were at the birth center. I was 3 CM dilated and 50% effaced - it gave me some hope that things could start soon but I also knew that I could walk around like that for days or weeks.
My 40 week appointment was on a Monday and I experienced on and off contractions until that Wednesday evening when I actually went into “real” labor. The first contractions started early Tuesday morning around 3AM. For two hours, I totally thought I was in labor and practiced my deep-breathing techniques downstairs on the couch while I let Alex sleep. Everyone told me that it would most likely take hours to progress into active labor with my first pregnancy. Since I thought I had time, I did not immediately wake Alex. Then, around 5AM, everything completely stopped and I felt nothing except for annoyed the entire day on Tuesday.
The same thing happened again during the early hours of Wednesday AM - strong, irregular contractions. This time, I knew not to get too excited too soon. Throughout the day on Wednesday, I felt contractions on and off - they never intensified nor became regular. That day, I went to my acupuncture appointment and I went on a solo two mile walk on the beach. A few minutes before I left to go on my walk, I lost my mucus plug. That made things a bit more real - so, just in case something happened, I made sure to stay hydrated and eat extra healthy.
That entire week, I was in constant communication with my support people - Jennie, my doula, and Kim, my neighbor. Kim played a very essential role - she was responsible for taking care of my first baby, Mowgli. On Wednesday, I texted Jennie and Kim around 8PM and I told them I didn’t think anything was going to happen that night.
Then, at 8:30PM, my contractions became wildly intense - out of nowhere - it had been hours since I had experienced any sensation. After a couple of waves, I was barely able to stand or speak through each contraction. I learned to call contractions, pressure waves, in my Hypnobabies classes. The contractions were so intense, I quickly let all of that verbiage go and went with what was easiest to communicate to everyone.
Before going into labor, I did my best to have as much as I could pre-packed, but I underestimated how much Alex would need to get together when “it” was happening. And, because my contractions came on so strong and fast, Alex had to scurry to pack up the car and get everything ready for Mowgli. By 9:30PM, I was on all-fours in the shower, with the hot water beating down on my back - making animal-like noises through each wave as it passed. Alex called the midwife to see if it was time to come - my contractions were less than 2 minutes apart lasting anywhere from 60 seconds to 2 minutes. She said we better go!
We had planned a natural delivery at UCSD Jacob’s Birth Center - which is inside of the hospital. The car ride was so painfully intense. Alex drove “mindfully fast” and each turn we took was excruciating. That 20 minute drive down I5 felt like an eternity to me. Since everything happened so quickly, Jennie met us at Jacob’s. I saw her immediately after we parked - days later, she said I looked like a chicken with my head cut off when I got out of the car. When I arrived, I remember walking in circles. At home, the only thing that gave me any relief was the water on my back in the shower or sitting on a toilet. Eight hours later I would learn why - I was having back labor.
To be admitted into the Birth Center, you first have to go through triage. Everything looked perfect at my 40 week appointment and all of the “issues” I had during my pregnancy had reconciled. At my 20 week appointment, they were concerned with the location of my placenta - it was closer to my cervix than they wanted it to be. By 28 weeks, it had moved a safe distance away. We were also tracking my platelet levels during my 3rd trimester, but they had returned to a normal level before my delivery. Therefore, I was under the impression that everything would be smooth sailing on the day of Sloan’s birth.
Since I was experiencing intense back labor, sitting and lying down were almost unbearable and that was exactly what they needed me to do in the triage room. My contractions were coming hard and fast and each time one came, I wanted to go straight to the bathroom so I could sit on the toilet. Our body knows to relax on the toilet so I felt a bit better there. I was also begging them to hurry so I could get back into the water - the only place I felt somewhat okay.
Minutes after checking into triage, it was very evident that something was off - as the nurse was checking my vitals, she left to get the midwife. My blood pressures were dangerously high. The nurse, Nurse Jennie, was a saint - she was so steadfast and did her best to keep me calm. As my midwife was talking to us about what was going on with me, something very unexpected happened. My doula, Jennie, passed out! I remember watching Jennie say, “I’m not feeling very well” as she slowly slid out of her chair and laid down on the floor. Seconds later, it looked like she was about to have a seizure - thankfully she didn’t! The nurse and the midwife immediately set off an alarm and our room was flooded with other doctors and nurses.
They ushered Alex and me into the hallway and more or less left us standing there alone. It was such a surreal experience - I just learned that I was personally in danger of having a seizure or a stroke and I watched one of my best friends pass out right in front of me while I was in very intense, active labor.
I saw an empty room and I walked into it. With each contraction, I had to either hold on to Alex or sit on the toilet in this random bathroom. I was unable to stand on my own during waves at this point whatsoever. It’s hard to say how long we were left alone as they tended to Jennie and transferred her to the emergency room - but, our midwife eventually found us and told me that I needed to immediately be transferred to L&D since I was now a high-risk delivery.
I told her I did not care what unit they put me in as long as I could get into my own room and get back in the shower. They told me I couldn’t get into the shower, but I didn’t listen to them and I immediately got in the shower as soon as I entered my delivery room. The nurse more or less had to pull me out of the water so they could start my IV meds to lower my blood pressure.
As soon as they started me on the magnesium drip, I began to shake uncontrollably and I quickly became incredibly fatigued. I could no longer stand on my own nor could I stand and hold on to Alex and as time went on it felt even more excruciating to sit or lay down. The only thing that gave me some reprieve was sitting on a birth ball and that became more and more challenging as time went on, too. Magnesium is known to make you feel weak and tired.
Shortly after I started the magnesium drip, I had to lay down so an OB could re-examine my cervix. At that point, I was 10CM dilated and completely effaced - she said I would be ready to push soon. By then, I was beyond exhausted - spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I told Alex I wanted to get an epidural so I could lay down and he encouraged me not to - since he knew I wanted to have a natural birthing time. I took a moment to say a prayer and I knew to get through the rest of my labor, I needed a little help.
Without consulting Alex again, I looked at my nurse and told her I wanted an epidural - immediately. The beautiful, natural labor I envisioned was so far from what I was experiencing, I surrendered to what was and I let my intuition guide me to what was best for Sloan and me in that moment. Thankfully, the anesthesiologist made it to my room relatively fast and within minutes, I was able to lay down (without experiencing excruciating pain) for the first time in 5+ hours! I told my delivery team - made up three OBs, a midwife, and a nurse - that I needed to rest for a bit before I could begin to push. During that time, I closed my eyes and spoke to Sloan in the same way I had been speaking to her since the day I learned I was pregnant. Our communication was so strong throughout my entire pregnancy and now that she is Earthside, I still communicate to her on a soul-level, silently.
As I rested in the delivery room, two wonderful women walked in. After Jennie passed out, my midwife asked me if I wanted her to call the volunteer doulas. Since it was so late, I didn’t think anyone was going to show up. Much to our surprise, two doulas were available for us! Both women were so helpful and their presence was an integral part of my experience. Around 5AM, the OB told me we needed to get things moving and right before I began pushing, Jennie texted Alex and told him she was being discharged from the ER.
Jennie made it up to my delivery room just in time for the “hard” part - in hindsight, it wasn’t so bad, it just took a lot of focus, strength, energy, and determination. As I began to push, there were more people in the room than I envisioned when I saw my “perfect” delivery. In addition to me and Alex, there were THREE doulas, a nurse, anywhere from 2 to 3 OBs, and a midwife. I started pushing at 5:15AM and Sloan was born at 10:26 in the morning.
To make a very long story short, I pushed through the shift change so the team that started off my labor was not the same team that helped me welcome Sloan into the World. Every woman that was a part of that experience was so helpful in some way shape or form… But, the midwife that ended up delivering Sloan was unbelievable.
It was taking so long for Sloan to arrive because she was “sunny-side-up” and sideways. The midwife called her a “stargazer” and I like that better than “sunny-side-up”. Stargazing babies face up, instead of down - and, it’s a lot more painful and often harder to deliver a baby that is posterior facing. The midwife that delivered Sloan literally had her hands inside of me, helping Sloan find her way, for more than two hours - I am so thankful for her dedication and patience. Throughout the entire 5 hours, neither my vitals nor Sloan’s ever posed a threat to our health and even though things didn't go as I planned, I consider that a miracle.
For the last 30 or so minutes that I pushed, everyone kept saying “she’s almost here, next push, she’ll be out”. For hours, they wanted me to look at a mirror - I couldn’t though - I needed to close my eyes and focus all of my energy on each push. When Sloan finally slid out and the midwife handed her over my body onto my chest, I was in complete disbelief. For so many pushes they said she was coming, when she finally landed on my heart, it was truly mesmerizing.
It sounds cliche but it was the best moment of my life.
Alex and I both wept as we gazed in awe at our perfect baby girl. I was so entranced by the miraculousness of what just occurred and all of the love that I felt in that moment, the next 5 hours are a complete blur.
When Sloan arrived, our room was crowded with people and within an hour or so everyone slowly trickled out. Shortly after she was born, Sloan was happily breastfeeding and I was completely absorbed by her tiny, strong body. Since I was on the magnesium drip, I was limited to a very small amount of water each hour but I was able to eat whatever I wanted… So, we asked my friend Kate to bring me some watermelon on her way to work. We also made her promise not to tell anyone she had come to visit because we did not want any other visitors.
During my visualizations leading up to Sloan’s actual birth day, I saw myself welcoming everyone I loved the days after she was born. The entire experience was so intense, I did not want to see anyone and that intensified as the days wore on.
We were transferred to our postpartum room on that Thursday afternoon and my blood pressure stayed stable the rest of the afternoon and through the night. I thought I was going to get to go home early Saturday morning.
As Sloan slept soundly the first night she was Earthside, I experienced the worst panic attack I have ever had in my whole life. I could not sleep. At one point, it got so bad, I woke up Alex and asked him to hold me. I sobbed in his arms. In my head, I knew everything was okay - the anxiety and panic I was experiencing coursed through my body.
The next morning my blood pressure spiked higher than it was when I was admitted into the hospital. For the next 4 days, my blood pressure continued to stay elevated and a handful of times, it rose to a level that required immediate intervention. Each time it spiked, a nurse would push IV meds to lower it and my blood pressure were checked at the following increments: every 10 minutes for an hour, then every 15 minutes for an hour, then every 30 minutes for an hour, then every hour for 4 hours, then every 2 hours for 4 hours. The blood pressure checks coupled with all of the other “regular” checks Sloan and I received kept nurses and doctors rotating through our room constantly. For 3 straight days, I did not sleep AT ALL.
Sloan was the only thing keeping me grounded and sane - all of the oxytocin I received from breastfeeding and our time skin-to-skin kept me from completely losing my mind. At night, when Sloan would sleep, my anxiety would creep back in. I dug into all of my “tools” and nothing worked - I put a towel on the floor and did some gentle yoga, I practiced breath work, I listened to guided meditation, I held crystals in my palms, I smelled essential oils. If I wasn’t holding Sloan, I felt like feral, caged animal.
The doctors and nurses promised me that my anxiety was not causing my blood pressure to elevate as high as they were climbing, but they also said it was not helping them either. All I wanted to do was go home, but in order to leave, I needed to have 12 straight hours of stable blood pressures. After the last spike occurred, I leaned into one of the practices I had yet to try - the power of my thoughts. For years, I have used the mantra - thoughts become things - and even though things did not go the way I visualized them before Sloan’s birth, I decided to give the power of positive thinking one more try.
I began to visualize and feel what was needed in order to get me out of the hospital. I saw positive blood pressure readings for 12 hours. I visualized the discharge conversation I would have with my doctors. I felt the excitement I would experience when they told me I could go home. I saw us packing up our room and changing Sloan into her “going home clothes”. I imagined what it would feel like to braid my hair and put my “go home clothes” on, too. I envisioned us carefully placing Sloan into her car seat and walking to the elevator, taking it down to the ground floor. I felt the relief of securing Sloan’s car seat into its mount and buckling up in the seat next to her. I saw Alex driving away from UCSD and getting on to the freeway ramp. I imagined what it would be like to look to the left and see the ocean in the distance for the first time in days. I saw myself lovingly staring at Sloan - narrating where we were and explaining what she would eventually do at all of the places we passed on our way home. I felt the excitement of exiting the freeway into our neighborhood. I saw us passing the 24 hour burrito store that I ate at many times while Sloan was in my belly. I imagined everything we would pass as we finally made our way into our parking spot at home. Then, I saw myself welcoming Sloan into her home.
On Monday, September 2nd, we were finally discharged and the events that led up to and followed us leaving the hospital almost matched my visualization to a T. It’s been twelve weeks since that beautiful afternoon and I can’t wait to share the journey we’ve had since we’ve settled into our home soon. I did my best to write as much as I felt comfortable sharing in the words above. To conclude, my pregnancy and Sloan’s birth were two of the best experiences of my life and they both have taught me the power of surrender and love. I look forward to sharing more when the time is right - I believe our birth stories are sacred and they need to be told.
